Patriotic Amerciaaaaaaaa

Braviary Look at this thing. Its an eagle. A freaking eagle. Look at this majestic a**hole. It perfectly represents what the U.S.A is. Majestic. But mostly an a**hole. Americaaaaaawww. *flies away*

Haunter simply because he was the original troll. He's a ghost that does whatever the hell he wants to whenever he wants to. Gotta face off against some super effective Psychic types? Nah, let's just go make their trainer laugh until they cry before going off and having some more prankster fun.

Furfrou, because it is a cute little ---- that don't need no evolution! Why does it need to change just because all the other Pokemon do? No, this Pokemon says "screw conformity I'm cute dammit!"

Plus come on, it can have an awesome hair cut if it wants to! Why should it stay with one look when it can have many? It can choose what it wants to.

Plus it is the ultimate troll. It's a normal Pokemon that can learn Surf. Come on, a dog Pokemon that can surf. That's awesome! It's not stuck on land only.

Okay, I’ve thought a long time about this one (which isn’t long mind you) and I could only come up with one answer.

....Snorlax.

What’s more free and expresses the relaxing carefree life of anyone but a Snorlax? For starters, it weighs 1,014 lbs, so obviously not only is it a skip and a superman jump over the line of obesity but it also can eat what it wants. If you wake-up eat a field full of thorns for lunch (referencing the anime) and then go back to sleep once again after doing so without any complaints of heartburn or consulting any doctor, you have officially no need for anything in life that should concern you, especially health insurance.

Not only that, but Snorlax is a solemn patriot. He throws his weight around to solve all his problems, and I mean that literally. Most of his situations involve a body slam or some variation of throwing his entire being on someone. Does anyone complain? Of course not! Who would want to answer to a living embodiment of Betty Crocker’s Pancake Maker 3000? Not only has Snorlax has thrown his weight around in the Pokemon World in almost every video game being the inevitable obstacle to trainer’s journey to become a master (physically that is), he has taken to the marvelous world of Nintendo (Super Smash Bros Series.) and crushed countless childhood icons: Super Mario Bros, Captain Falcon, Donkey Kong, Pikachu (Who was most likely in SSB series to get away from Snorlax in the first place), Mr. Game and Watch...

That’s right, Snorlax is so free from the parallels of time, he went back into the Era of simplistic black pixels and threw his weight on someone a lone figure who did nothing but wakes us up in the morning as an alarm. You don’t even know where he will land next (and from the look of it, not even he cares!) but you know wherever it will be, there will be terror and hundreds of fleeing citizens that could not compare to the movie Armageddon.

Speaking of sleep, Snorlax is NEVER awake when he is doing this! Notice that his eyes are always shut, always those straight lines, and always he is eating, sleeping, drinking, and waking up doing the occasional jitterbug to flute music (Pokemon Snap) when he is not busy blocking a path where you can only cross after walking clear across the continent to grab a magical flute to get him out of the way of a path that you already walked kilometers around just to get around his giant gluteus maximus.

But then again, Snorlax could never care less, because he is sleep and you cannot do anything about it...unless you have a flute.

Even then, Snorlax cares not about being awake and you wanting for fight him. Long into a battle with Snorlax, he’s just going to doze off and take a rest amidst your senseless battle. Not only that, but Snorlax will either snore or sleep talk either blowing you away with an ungodly blast of the worst snoring you’ve heard since you’ve heard your passed out uncle after a family reunion or he will throw his weight around while he is sleep talking, thus, crushing you in the process making you a poor quality waterbed that has given away under his weight.

Slow speed? Who cares? The thought that this Pokemon can actually use Rollout would send the dread down an Elite Four trainer’s spine. They will forever see a glass of water and the sound of rumbling and associate it with a Snorlax rolling in their direction because the full force of something like that hitting you would make you forget what Jurassic Park is?

...seriously, what is that? Something about a lizard-theme park version of Candy Land? Whatever! Never mind!

Point being, no matter what you do, Snorlax will get you! If you cross any ocean? Snorlax will surf the ways and come find you with the force of a Titanic. If you hide in a forest? Snorlax will breathe fire and come and find you! If it’s dark and you are creeping in the corners of a cave? Snorlax will emit electricity and come and find you! But he won’t unless you’re food...because at the end of the day, Snorlax eats, he drinks, and he sleeps – wherever and whenever he wants...because you’re not worth his free time.